Sunday, May 08, 2011
just finish the news of this year election. Aljuined is lost to WP. I am sure a lot of my age group people will feel happy and overjoyed as they feel that opposition party represent their voices their free will. With this lost of Aljuined GRC, they may feel that they had finally gain their ways of says. But with the lost of Aljunied GRC, it also meant we lost a strong, great minister, George Yeo. For the next 5 years, what will happen to our foreign affairs? The strong bond and rapport that was created that assist in our foreign trading which indirectly affect our economical growth?
A lot of young one want to see PAP gone cause they feel being repress by them, and with they feel that WP are able to understand them. But is this a right action? A lot of them was opposed to the high pricing for flats and other elements. Since pricing for flat is under MND, should not they (WP) go against Mah Bow Tan?
Personally I feel that with George Yeo gone, it is the biggest lost Singaporeans had achieved. We gained our voices, but lost a talent who excel in handling foreign affairs, worth it? I will say that is a big 'NO, NO'. Not worth it, as the con will outshine the pro in this era where good rapport with other countries is a NEED. I hope the next new Head for the MFA will be someone who is able to fill up this big shoe that George had left behind. Bad MFA == low economical growth, as Singapore is no longer a independent eco structure country, we need all those foreign resources to ensure our survive and if we had a screwed up for a new Head for MFA what will happen?
New voices, new hopes? I don't see it this way. There are many ways for our voices to be heard regardless what or how repressed we feel.
Are we really that repressed by our government? Personally I don't think so, with the wide spread of internet, I had never feel that we had lost the freedom of speech. Yes, we may not had the same kinds of 'Human Rights' like under the constituency of USA or the UN but we are still able to express ourselves as long as no harm was created toward others. Had those so-call being oppressed citizens try to make themselves be hear, hear as in really go all out? To speak the truth, in SG I personally feel that the only One who had tried his best to make his voice been heard is Mr J.B Jeyaretnam. I remembered that I saw him once in Orchard promoting his book but that time I was still a freshman out from Poly and had no strong sense of ideas on the important of understanding what goes on in the political pay no attentions to him. But looking back at then, under the hot sun and standing there for a man in his late seventies or early eighties that was a remarkable feat. Unless we had attempt to at least express ourselves like Mr J.B Jeyaretnam, we should not said that our voices are being oppressed.
Pray hard, as we are going to have a hard 5 years ahead.
Tuesday, November 09, 2010
It's months since i last posted in my blog. Looking back at all these months, I think my conditions had not improved at all. I'm still hurting my so-call friends, but am I treating them like a real friend or just only on a technical term that I was doing it. What can be define as friends? Those who share your sorrows, your pains, your happiness or loneliness?
I'm always feeling lonely. Like recently when I'm out with a friend at the closest shopping mall, I felt 'tune-out' or out of the world. What make the situation worst is that, I will irritate the friend with me at the moment. But I can't tell him that I just don't like the feelings of being around other humans. As that will sound weird, like I'm a psycho or a person who think too highly of their own. However when I did not mention the reason of why, I don't feel like going out to place where there are many humans, it ended up making him angry.
Although every year, specially near to my birthday, my tolerance to stay among other humans will drop to the bare minimum standard since I can recall. But these past three years, the limits were approaching me at a much higher speed. By normal standard, the limit will exceed around 2 to 7 days before my birthday. But these few years, the limit had reach around a month or so, and this year it getting worst. Since the beginning of October, the irritation had started. I will get super uncomfortable around others. But due to my job, I had to fake my interaction with other humans. Smile happily, acknowledging the presence of the students, the vendors at the canteens, the other 'iron-bowled' workers and even the other fellow workers at HQ, all these fake actions are killing me faster than I know or worst, the feeling of murdering them and wipe their existence off from the surface of the Earth.
When I told my mother, she just mention, due to the fact that I'm a only child, that why I can't interact with others which cause this irritation. This may explain the part on the irritation among other humans, but it can't explain why I'm alway wearing a mask when I'm with others. Even on the net, those online friends that I had make, it was just another face mask that I'm wearing. The changes in me was so great that I was consider a fraud. I lost a friend, when she saw me at work and when she interacting with me online, although this was not told to me directly from her. However our common friend mention that my characters either online, in real face-to-face encounter or other form of interaction with me are all fake and unreal. 7 years had passed and recently this friend of mine had gotten married, but I was not invited and truth be told, I was a bit hurt. As I though although we might have stop seeing each other in real life, but we still talk on msn regularly. When I was young, I was told that a friend will definitely invite his or her friends to their own weddings. So when I hear of their wedding, I thought I need to think of a good wedding gift but ended up I was not invited and those circle of friends did not knew that and even ask me what I'm getting for them. It was not like I don't know her husband, to speak the truth, I was closer to her husband before I know her, and we become a much closer friends with more common interests and I sort of helped her husband to court her. But after she so-call realize my different expression in life. I was outcast by both of them and the circle of friends that were build around them also start to distance themselves from me.
Maybe I'm really bad at being a human, can it be even consider an impairs or handicap? But in numerous case study that I read, most of these cases the affected parties are quite intellectual which is totally wrong for me.
Maybe with the shortening of this condition, it just a sign telling me that either my end is near or be prepare for the solitary life that is foreboding.
“孤独”是永恒的存在。
只知道孤独是可以生存。
可是在知道朋友的定义。
“孤独”就有了一个朋友叫“寂寞”。
当两者结伴在一起，永恒就是成为了一种灭亡。
我知道朋友的定义，所以也知道了寂寞的含义。
可是我还是放不下保护着我的虚伪的面具。
如果不摘下面具，就无法找到真心的朋友是真的吗？
那为何丽美可以在不摘下我的面具下知道我的真心，而成为我的好友?
还是说，我在她的面前时，是毫无掩饰的？
I'm really tired of trying to remove my masks, yet I can't stop myself from wearing one. Why can't the others treats those masks as part of me and quit questioning me on which is the real me or saying that I'm contradicting my own words. Cause to speak the truth, there are really times when I'm wondering if I'm having split personalities but I'm know it is not.
或许你以为我不在意
可是我还是会的
请不要再逼我改了，因为我再如何的改，那也是一个为了你而戴上的面具。
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
recently i reliease that i'm really not good with words specially to console others, and when i think of what the things to say, there is a high risk that the other party will be hurt more by my words, like rubbing salt to an open wounds. I wanted to console a friend, but i dreadful that whatever i say will add more stress and pressure to that friend, or reminded this friend's source of pain.
Whenever not required, i can talk non-stop, gibbish, rots all type of nonsense will so-call erupted out from my mouth. But when words of kindness or console i'm really deadmeat, i don't know how to console, as i felt that whatever i said sound so fake and unreal.
Anyway, i'm not sure what is going through the world right now, I heard bad news and good news. Yet, i can only say that i'm quite selfish that i'm only willing to bother about myself as i'm only concern how to allow myself not to hurt others, so that in return, they won't have excuses to hurt me back. But regardless what i do or did, i will still hurt other.
haiz dono wat the hell i'm typing already, all my brain are mixed up like in a blender...
Saturday, April 25, 2009
闲来无事，再度观看金庸的名作的新修版，射雕英雄传，神雕侠侣和倚天屠龙记。小的时候因为没有事可做读了金老师的几本名作，最是喜爱这三部小说。可再度阅读更是有了不同的感受，为何在小说里的武林道义在人世间永无之见。
这几日来，不知为何想去吃晚餐却终日独自一人，没有人可相陪。可真不知古人常言的红颜知己的要如何方可得到。
笑看红尘，我已徐徐赫赫的渡过了二十余年。既无知己陪我解愁，更无红颜可陪我把酒言欢。猪朋狗友多不胜数，敌人更是不在话下的多。如果要以金庸的这三部作品里找个角色来比喻成我自己的话，我当真只能成为杨康了。但是我便无他的‘好命’有个有权有势的养父和一个不管他的平行人格默默爱着他的爱人，我有的只不过是过往的好友。今时今世我会有如何的下场？如果我要继续过着每日带着面具的生活，我可以活得开心吗？
Thursday, April 02, 2009
Today, can be consider 1 of the few happiest day of my whole working life in this school. I was invited along by 庄妈妈to go together to see our students' wushu competition. Who in the world will know that i will have this chance to see my idol from Heartlanders. Yes, you guess it, is 翁清海. He is as gorgerous, handsome, sunny shinny... oh my gosh, i really don't know what more can i describe him. The moment i saw him in the police uniform in the drama heartlanders, he become my idea police officer image. When he was acting in those chinese channel 8 drama in the early days of my secondary school life, he was literally my prince charming. I have seen many actors and actoress in my short 26 years of life. Some of them are even my distance relatives or clients of my cousins' business. When join this job in end of 2006, i know that my school have Wushu, i was already sort of hoping that one day, maybe I will get a chance to catch a glimpse of him. but for the past 2 years, 2007 and 2008, i did not have the chance to see him. Yet today, when i go there, purely to backup and cheer for my students. I saw him! He is 1 of the judges, oh my gosh, i was so speechless and don't know what to say expect to keep taking his photos. Then at the end before my students, 庄妈妈and i was leaving. The court, he is judging for was having a break, and he went to make a phone call at level one. Just nice we are about to leave, and saw him at the stairway, i grab the chances asking him to take a group photograph with me and my students. Actually was wishing that i can take alone with him, but it was a school camera lar.... so think better don't.. so i ask along all those students who wish to take to come along and had the best picture taken.(although my eyes look weird again....)
haha so now i'm too high to sleep and keep gogging my eyes at that picture... :D
Monday, March 30, 2009
Did not work on thursday and friday, as i was clearing my time-off hours. Nothing interesting happen. On thursday went to help out in Family Life centre gala dinner. Haiz, can't really help much. I understand that for these volunteering groups, they need a lot of money to run, but i notice that on the gala dinner that day, fund raising was not easy at all in such event. So much efforts put in, yet so little returns recieved.
Friday, went back to school for 30minutes to clear something and xiao jiu jiu come to school to fetch me, spend the whole afternoon with grandmother. I think maybe age catch up with her, alot of things she asked was repeated questions, but i still try my best to answer her again and again. I don't know why, i felt sad when i keep repeating the same answer. I don't know was it cause it is this time of the year or other factors. Fears of losing her, make me wanted to spend more time with her. Although i was not able to drive her around that much, yet i felt that i want to bring her out and enjoy different aspect of lifes. But 1 thing i know for sure is, even with transportation provided, my auntie will forbid me for bringing her out. although i'm not sure of the reason why. haiz... maybe till now i have not shown my responsible side to them or i was never ever be responsible for anything at all?
Things happens and past, it make me starting to wonder about a chinese saying, 前世的500次回望，才换来今生的一次擦肩而过。那我和我的家人与朋友到底要经历几世的轮回相遇于相望，才成就了如今的亲情与友情？
I wonder, so many things have happen in my short 26 years of life, going 27 at the end of the year. What have differents have i make in my life and others' lifes? The only things i can remember is how much i have hurt others directly, indirectly, with intention or without intentions. The rest, nothing. I never thought much before taking actions or saying things. In the end a lot of innocents souls and people was hurt by my actions and words. Did i regret what i did or say? I did for some, but for most of it, i did not. Reason? Cause I did not even know i did that, and being an arrogant fool, i also don't really bother to find it out. Now come to think of it, could that be the reason why in this short life span of mine, i have so many short-span friends?酒肉朋友何其多，红颜知己何其少。果然如古人所言知己亦难求。
think i will just stop here with my craze thoughts and hit my bed with my snooze.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Was abit blur and busy the past few weeks. Trying to forget about valentine, so bang my head into the thing call work.
Actually the past 6 weeks, initially was busy with nothing just plain working daily. Then with the usual, valentine come, i spend the V-day with my secondary friend, Jas. I was actually looking forward to maybe ask the guy i like out. But in the end, i gave up that idea and be more realistic. Cause I understand something during the chinese new year visiting, that if i want to date, i must look for guy that can consider marriage as a dating option or outcome? But i did enjoy myself with my little 'gan' nieces on the V-Day.
After V-Day was rushing for other stuffs like school health promotion board screening, then unfortunately, my desktop monitor in working place broke down. But for god-known what reason, when the repairman came down, it start working like normal again (*%*$*^*$#*#$%*$#) stupid monitor.
In between that was the school sports day, on a Saturday.... wat a day, raining again as usual... and because of the stupid Sun Shine, my fair skin tone now is dark like 'chao tar' skin tone.
Enjoy myself quite well beside the sun shine that make me melts numerous times...
Now busy myself with SYF, termly report involvement, attendance and stuffs again, but deep in my brain i was thinking should i change my job? The job's cycle is starting to become abit mundane. But most important is my pay is so like low... like peanut. Imagine on my job title, it is Senior CCP Executive... yet my pay worst then a junior executive...
But some other factor make me 'san xing liang yi' cause if i change my job, our common factor will be gone. With the common factor gone, will we still have any connection? Jas used to say that whenever i want to change a job or something is cause i'm tired of returning to the same routine of my life. To follow this character of mine, i will lost the connection between us, but to keep to this connection, I'm starting to lose interestes and zest in my job. The more i continue with this work, the more my personality surfacing without my acknowledge.
Oh ya on 22nd March was grandfather 3rd death annivesary. Times really flies. When he was around, i don't treasured the times we have together, when he passed on. I started to miss the times when he make tapioca cakes and ask me to go and collect from him or ask me to eat in front of him telling him how nice and delicious it was. These days don't know why i keep missing my grandfather alot. But times have changes, he is no longer around with us. There are times when i wish that i can spend more times with him.
The month of march maybe full of many emotions and it seems to be mostly negative but on the 14th March, i attended my cousin, yong meng's wedding. He is the same age as me, and at the wedding, i found out that another cousin of mine same age with me is considering getting married at the end of this year too. This made my 'gugu's all turn their attention to me. They kept saying want to be 'mei po' but the thing is no matter how good a guy stand in front of me, or maybe propose to me but if that guy is not the guy i like i won't agree to it at all. Why can't they understand something as simple as that?
But that bring me back to 1 simple fact, the guy i like will never fallen in love with me. In my 26 years of life, i have fallen for a 12 male, including the present guy that i like. All the outcomes are so visible before i took any action. But to speak the truth among these 12 guys, only junxiong and the present guy can make me do many stupid things for them. I really wonder is the other 10 guys just a simple mistaken of crash as liking?
Should I concentrate on building my career? Since i know i won't have the kind of love i longing for....
Pluzzed by all sort of feelings again. Felt betray, being used as a spy tool, a money tree(?), childish, arrogant and most important confusion. With all these feelings and thinking raging through me, can i manage to maintain my sense? Will i broke down and cried? How i wish i can do that but since last year of an incident, i can't cry again. It seems like my tear ducts are really broken. It keep malfunctioning, crying at a situation where i should not and now when i felt so emtionally tired, yet i can't bring a single tear to my eye.
Think i will just stop my blogging here. I will try to update as often as i can.