I don't know why, i'm feeling weird again. For the past few days, or i can say weeks, this weird feeling keep coming back. Specially after some kind of thoughts start to surface from my brain...

Btw, recently alot of my thoughts are in my brain. The most recent that is bugging me was, are g and j dating each others? There are so many points that seems to be pointing toward the idea that they are both dating but when ask, both denied it. And this kind of reply will trigger another kind of thought to my brain. E.g: Are they saying the truth? or was it cause they feel that I can not be trusted, that why they don't wan to let me know.

All these kind of thinkings will bring me back to my final thinkings, are those human being i call friends trust me, or no source of information can be entrusted to me as in their eyes i'm not the kind of person they can trust their secrets and informations with. Too many thinkings are clotting up, Limei alway ask me to trust other human beings but don't open up first wait till i think i can trust then open up. But who can i trust? All homo Sapiens are the same, yet at the same time they are so different. So hard to understand I really wish, when i though i can trust another human, there will be other facts that will make me wonder are they telling me the truth or there are thing being hiden fron me? Who can i trust and who really trust me? Will there ever be a day when i can trust another human and be trusted back back?

近日来，我一直有这样的想法。他们是把我当朋友还是摇钱树？
这种想法一直在我脑中挥之不去。为何我会有如此的想法,那是因为，近日来有群人类一直给我的想法。
在他们所说的众多理由中，其一是因为我是上班领新的人，而他们不是，对他们而言理应该是由有工钱的我来付账。 虽然，他们会付一些钱来还我，可是却不是整数。为何我一定要为他们付差儿呢？我的月薪又不如老师那么高，还要时常对他人强颜欢笑，才能得到的微薄月薪为何要如此的浪费在他人身上？ 说真的，他们之中有的比我富裕的多，为何我就需要为他们来付钱呢？
有人说那是因为，我太善良了，不然就是太信任人了。可是，几年前，在完全不信任仍何人时，有一位老友，要我多多信任别人， 要我将我那如长城般的心理围墙拆了。如今，我只将围墙的10%不到撤了就如此。我该如何是好？恢复到周末独自一人，除了交补习不然就是在家里‘玩电脑’的生活。又或是恢复成犹如鬼怪般，人人催逼，闪而不见般的鬼神吗？
寂寞一点都不可怕，可是当习惯了，知道有朋友陪的好处后，我还能变回以前的自己吗？我说不可能。 因为我知道了酸甜苦辣的美味。放弃的话，我需要将身为人类最后的一面也抛弃。如将身为人类的最后一面也抛弃的话，我可以更定的是犹如撒旦，恶魔的我将不可能再有任何法子把心中的围墙拆除。

人类就真得那么难让我相信和理解吗？我该继续的将心中的疑问理清还是要以天真的想法来替他人辩解？我的心思好乱。老友呀，当年，为何你要我将围墙拆除，如果没有将围墙拆除，今时今日我就不会如此的苦恼了。

I feel that life is super weird as so many things can happen. Recently i was watching Discovery Home and Health, it show a 16 years old young america boy under went an op to cut away half of his stomach and about 60% of his small intestine to reduce his weight from about 400lbs and after surgery, in 20mths, he lost about 225lbs.

After seeing this, these few days, almost every nights before i sleep i will do a quick research on this. Finally i found out what kind of operation was that. It is bariatric surgery. A weird name right, the moment i saw this name, the first wrong impression i had was "wat the... bariatric?? howcome it sound like Xena and Coman." After reading, it seem like i had the meaning wrong lol. But what was puzzling me is, i should concentrate on working hard on my o lvl english paper 1 and 2 preparation yet here i am busy myself searching on a kind of method to slim down. Have i set my priority wrong again or should my health be my main concern now? Should i go for this operation? But is this surgery available in SG and wat will the cost be like?

To speak the true, i'm really tempted to try out this after so many weird old methods i used to try does not seems to work. I even try out blood type exercise to reduce my weight, but all seem fruitless.

But there are quite a numbers of unspoken side effects according to the few websites i had 'flip' through during my research.

Should i try my luck and call up SGH to check if they have this kind of surgery available in SG and start saving to make it, or maybe during the saving time mircales happens i do slim down without additional helps beside exercising.

I might be thinking of all these, but there is a part of me rejecting this, as it quite like cosmetics surgery, if it did work, then i will ended up like many females out there being artifical beauties.
Why do i need to think so much............I understand tt my health is rolling down the hill due to my bad weight management but why do i reject so many possibilities to allow me to slim down faster?

Haiz, think i will just end this post here with all my weird thoughts and thinkings.

After working in this school for 21months and 11days in this school. Finally i got a namecard just like other ccpes from other school.
I felt happy and sad at the same time. Happy is cause it is afterall my first ever namecard officially created. Sad is cause other ccpe started working around the same time as me had their own personal namecard at least 6mths after they start working in the school, but mine took that long.

Halo, i know i have not been posting lately. lol. Today i saw someone with a big white bear. It's her birthday present from her classmate. To speak the true, when i saw it, i was quite jealous. Almost every years since Primary School, expect only in P6, sec 3 and last year did i recieve more than 2 presents from my friends.

Not sure why, suddenly i felt so blue. On the surface, i have a lot of friends but who can i really open up to? Since young, i always wonders, do my friends befriend me for other benefits or 'bagus lobang' or was it cause they enjoy having me in their company? To speak the truth, i won't dare to ask this question to them, what if their answer is not the latter. Do i still keep in contact with them? Or should i ask myself, are those humans out there that i consider friends really my friends? Will they understand what i want without me asking? Think all these will be a mystery unless i am willing to ask. But i don't dare to, reason? If those friend that really know me, will know and understand.

Oh ya i notice most of these days, my posts are mostly quite negative. Am i stressing up or cause i'm tired of this world, specially at the handling of human relationship? I'm really confuse. I'm alway saying I'm not a pyschic but it seem like i keep asking for other human to understand me like they are pyschics. Am i being selfish at this too? Who knows, ever since after i learn some basic pyschology, i keep having difficulties understanding a human better. As i will think of other possibilities to their motivations or schemes if they treat me good or ignoring me.

Haiz think i will stop all these thinkings and get back to work ba. lol

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