Why why why.... I so happy after my trip to the Anime Festival Asia held at Suntec, Singapore. Why must you use simple words that destory my whole happy feelings from today. I admit, i really don't like the ideas of the relatives specially your sister and mother visiting. That why i chose today to go to the Anime Fest. Yet when i return, you saw my smiling face, your 1st words was not 'enjoy urself', instead 'so finally u know when it time to return, just now grandma and ahyi was here, and you went out. You know they are coming yet you still don't stay at home to greet them.' Of course i will reply truthfully, i don't like to see them, regardless who they are. yet your reply was if the days of both dad and you die, i will be glad as no one will be willing to acknowledge my presence.

To speak the truth, I will be glad if this day of 'entertaining these group of humans days' will come as soon as possible. I hate putting up a smiling face to them although i know they are here to just show casing their achievement in life. Yes i don't achieve anything, I doing a useless job, tons of useless things, without achiving any single goals in my whole entire life.

I hate entertaining all humans, working i need to put up a mask of smiling, approachable human, at home, i also need to be put up a mask of an understanding daughter, with friends, i need to put up a mask too. All these are worst than living in a place full of strangers. If i could i really wish i can just cast aside all these and go live in Africa, Egypt or anywhere that i can live without a mask. I'm really Sick of all these methods. In this whole world, even my closest longest duration of friend, i had to wear a mask to entertain her. I can never cast my real emotion out. I don't mind living in a world without other human but robots to accompany me, i'm just really tired. A quarter of a century had past from my life, yet i feel like i had been living for millennia.

Was there a day from my past fill with the real happiness that i'm soughting?

I believe no, in my whole life, i live under the mask, to protect my soul and my heart. But with these, they are only able to protect my physical soul yet not my mental soul and heart.

Recently, when i'm googling for news on Harry Potter, i came across a forum topic. The topic was to read Harry Potter instead of children fiction, try to read it like a love story. I found it quite weird, viewed the forum. The reasons given to try and read it as a love story was abit funny. It requested the readers to read it from every different character's point of love interest view and expressed their concern and feedback to what will the readers themselves do if they are in such situation. I was quite bored and it had been sometimes since i read my HP series again, so i took up this challenge. But after reading through all my HP series again from a different point of view, I find Harry stupid (oh my gosh, why do i have such thinkings), reason was it took him so long to realise who is the 1 he really like, and he is hurting Ginny indirectly when he knew Jinny had taken a liking toward him yet he still behaving in that way with Cho Chang. Then I was amazed at how Ginny can still dated other guys when there's a part of her longing for Harry...

But the most weird part is how can Snape lived when the girl he like disfriend him, then married another guy and got killed by the 'master' that he served. I really wonder, but after reading through HP series, personally I had another idea, I should learn to be like 'He who must not be named', specially in getting rid of those troublesome humaniod feelings.

Haha lol many thoughts can be raise from just reading some books. This is something fun. Maybe i should dig out all my old books and read through again. :D

Recently i attended the prom night of the school i'm working in. I really starting to wonder why do i always looking forward to a prom night. Was it cause I had never attended a prom night for my own graduation? I think I might never know the answer. Anyway, a lot of students from sec 4 and 5 came, the girls look totally different. They look so pretty and really like princess from those fairy tales books. The guys also came in different forms of clothing but the most common are formal wear for guys, which make them appear so mature. Their childish appearance were gone, it seems like they are ready to enter the phrase of life call young adulthood. Yet all those thinkings went down the drain once the dancing start and those playful boys and girls went wild. lol.

Anyway, If any graduating students from that day, happen to see my post, I wish you all the best in your future.

OH ya, after reminded by the friend of mine saying i never change my bad habits and he mentioned that i had never changed almost 12 months and in a way or so he keep bearing with my bad habits and temper although he did advise me to change. Hearing this, and since i had already 'dig out' the bad habit and need to change diary, i also took out my manual diary, although i don't update my blog but i do update my hardcopy diary often. it quite truth we had been friends like this for almost a year. Don't know why, i starting to get abit fearful... cause ever since after secondary school, friends that i'm close with never last over 13th months. Although those friends i still had keep in contact but the distances just grew and it always ended with me enraging them. Will this friendship also ended up the same way? So far only friendship with Jaslyn lasted that long, the second longest is with linda, 2 years in sec 1 and sec 2 then ended quite in a bad way ,with the same way, me making her angry although after that i tried to make up for my mistake but the stains of bad friendship remain. For Dis's case also i enraged her, then for Karen's case is she totally got addicated to online games and ignoring all humanly connection and i also addicated to online games thus following the same things... Will history repeat it?

To speak the truth, a lot of times, I was asked to correct my horrible bad habit of interrupting someone in a conversation. I thought I have changed but always after scolding then I realised I never learnt from my mistake and changed at all. The moment I reached home today, I took out my little diary for which things I have written down to change and my bad character record. After reading through, personally I feel that I'm not fit for my job at all. If follow my old habit before primary school, I was acting happy, trying my own best to outshine myself in the things I’m best at and ignoring others' feelings. This in turn hurt others as well as creating distance between me and my friends.
Then after that from the record, I think I’m starting to behave and think of myself as those pathetic soul who had no one that understand them. But come to think of it, that was what I am still, although not total thinking of me as those pathetic souls that got their soul condemned in hell but not far from it.
Today after got scolding from a friend that is willing to help me change, yet I throw my tantrum at him. I’m really sorry for behaving in such a childish and ignorant way but I really don’t know how to tell him I appreciate his help. To speak the truth, I know I wanted to change, but why every time someone willing to tell me of my mistakes, I will feel grouchy.
Am I suitable for this job as a CCPE? From what I know, a lot of CCPE in my batch are leaving this job, yet those staying were involved in a lot of school programmes, function planning and meeting.
Speaking of meeting, I realised, I must really read through the agenda and meeting materials slides before taking minutes for a meeting. LOL, finally I thought I had a chance to show my old course club secretary skill of minutes taking, yet I blunter up. I have over estimate my capabilities. 我觉得我好失败喔。Am I really suitable for this job? Do I really like to help others like those comments those teachers are giving me? I keep making weird mistake which can be prevent if I paid attention, yet I never seems to be able to. I know I had the capabilities to complete all the keying of the data in less than 2 days, yet I can’t bring myself to settle down and stay awake while typing. I keep falling asleep even if I had sleep at 8pm the night before. Yet this could be due to bad health management, or a warning signal telling me that I must slim down and reduce my weight.
I remember I always told my mother my life would be different if she had allowed me to take Higher Chinese when I was in Primary 5 but come to think of it. All my life what have I done to make my life better? All I know since young is to blame others. There are times where the mistakes were mine, yet I denied any connection to it. For that kind of actions, Jaslyn said that are my bad points, so I tried to change, but I think I make some fatal steps, cause instead of moving away from the bad habits I have, I felt that I had ended up with more. Firstly, living a life wearing a mask, pretending to be someone I am not. I’m starting to feel the strain of living under this mask.
Maybe I think I will come clean with some things first. I’m not that ‘guai guai’ type of girl. I did smoke when I was in changkat changi sec. After that to pretend that I’m a good girl, I lied to my parents saying I’m studying late when I’m in Ngee Ann Poly but in effect I was happily playing a fool, wasting my time at lanshop. Don’t know was it heaven or god’s arrangement, I found out I have cement allergy. I have to drop out from my course. Then I went working in gaming company, while waiting to enter Temasek Polytechnic Computer Engineering Course. In TP, I spend my life no different from NP, addicted to online gaming, spending more than half of my free time playing games instead of concentrating on my study. Now I wish to enter the degree of Uni I’m interested in. Yet due to bad results from poly and O level English, it was rejected numerous times. But funny things, my friend with poly’s result worst than mine had entered local uni. Old habit die hard, seeing this, I started thinking of myself as character of the pathetic drama.
After seeing through all these, I started to blame history again. Am I learning anything? Jaslyn once mentioned before that to change my life, I must change my habits, building a wall between myself and others is not a bad things, but showing others’ the fake side of me is bad, and this is the point she wanted me to change. She wants me to show others my true side. The female who is always throwing her temper around, when things don’t goes her ways; she will create havocs to the extent that she had caused a blackout to her house before. This is the female I am. To speak the truth, I realized that these days I do show such side of me quite often, but I’m also indirectly showing the negative side of me, where I don’t heed others words, living only in my own world. Jaslyn did mention I should show such side of mine but I must also change to be an understanding, kind and courteous person. I just don’t know why, when ever going out, it’s now turning out that I must always accommodate to other’s timing, like the few recent outing with her, I’m always waiting for her like an hour or more, and others who I had to wait for them. They will always give commends like they are busy with this and that. This is when I will wonder why it is that when I’m late I must be scolded yet when they are lated, nothing was mentioned and I can’t give a single nag. I understand her meaning that I must be an understanding human but what does that really mean?
Understanding, I really don’t know. I was also told to be a useful and helping human, and try to help in whatever ways possible to make myself useful. Yet I don’t know why, when I tried to help out at my working place I understand there is some who call me a nosey parker but when I was attending meeting or chatting with the company bosses or superiors, they always asked me to try to be helpful in all possible way. I wish to be able to take up the initial step, but I can’t make up a lot of decision all I can do is source for more and more of different kinds of things they can make their choices from and yet when too much choices are given, they will say I’m increasing their work load by giving too many choices saying I should make my own decision. Yet when I give them my final decision, they will ask for more instead. I’m really confused. To speak the truth, I’m not a leader, yet I’m not a follower too as i don't follow much of the commands given. I will only follow if my leaders repeated their commands to me more than once. In my previous year work review, my RO did mention that I should be more confident in making my decision for the teachers and not keep going back to ask them for their points of views, they will not feel confident enough to give me any more important job. Yet when I don’t ask them for their decision and just give the things as instructed from them, they said I’m not respecting their decision.
To speak the truth, in this school, I feel totally out, this school has teachers who are capable, sometime I don’t even felt that they needed my help expect to key in CCA attendance which sometimes I don’t even think they need such help at all. For the past year, what have I been doing? Wasting my time? I don’t know but one thing I’m sure, I had wasted my whole life, wishing to be someone who I will never become. I remembered one of my teachers had mention, as long as we remember how to dream, we can achieve anything. But I had dreamed too much, that I have leaved the reality of life. I think it is time for me to quit dreaming and seek the solution to my problems.

Blogging till this stage, I’m already confused as to what am I trying to say. Was I trying to apologize for being a jerk? Was I trying to voice out my mistakes to the whole world? Was I complaining about my job? What am I trying to say or express? Was I questioning myself about whether I should carry on my life wearing the mask by hiding away under it or should I totally change them? I know I want to apologize to those who are always on the receiving end of my bad habits and bad tantrum. Maybe since I’m always complaining about not receiving the correct treatment since childhood, I shall work hard and invent the real time travel machine and travel back in time and change my life history. Prevent everything from happening the way it was yet making sure, I did invent a time machine in the future. Okie, I’m starting to sound like an idiot.

Since end of the year is coming soon, I shall redefine my life goal and planning. After thinking over so much, I think I’m starting to understand what my xiaodi was trying to tell me that day. Yes, this male friend of mine can maybe change me, allowing me to live under a life without mask, but I also understand those are not meant in romantic way. I think I must learn to appreciate this friend of mine more, weird thing is he maybe younger than me in age, yet I seem to be able to learn a lot from him. I’m really a ‘mountain tortoise’.
Since I’m starting on the New Year resolution and new life goal, my first shall be the same as previous year, slimming down, and second appreciate my surrounding friends and family members, thirdly, to thrive hard to get a chance to go back to study at Uni to get a degree and achieve a merit in degree.

我以为我喜欢上了一个人，甲，妳却说甲不是我喜欢的人，还有去年，妳劝我要小心不要在自己不知情的情况下爱上了乙。这个警戒在想了11个月后，不知道为何，今天，我对乙说出了妳给我的警戒。
可笑的是想了那么多个月，我竟然在说了出来后，才想到。我不可能会喜欢上甲和乙的，我生为人类因有的感情在七年前就被我不知遗失在哪了。
平日，我都是代着一个面具示人的。
身为人时，我需要以不同的面具面对不同的人。有人说那是虚伪和诈欺，可是又有谁可以让我将我那虚伪的外表脱下或是看穿？有些人说我是个善良的人，可是我必须对那些人说对不起。我有黑暗和邪恶的一面而在你们面前的善良是我的面具。
就在近日，我一直在想我会不会是真的喜欢上乙了。可是在想得越多，我越是明白我的邪恶从来没有减少，所以乙有可能会喜欢上虚伪和邪恶的我吗？有了这种理解，心中的结也解了。乙是不会喜欢或爱上我的，在下了这种结论后，心里没有不甘或是难过。而在这时我明白了。我根本就没有在心动，如果有我应该要有难过的心情，可是没有。
或许从小学的那天起，我就不再相信人类。也许是七年前被我单相思的对象毫不留情的拒绝后，问题就变得更严重了吧。本来就不会哭的我更是变本加厉的没有再在我有意识时真心的哭过了。就连在最疼我的外公过世时，我也是一滴泪也没流。被老妈说是冷血动物的我哪有可能会爱上任何人嘛。
平日的我只有快乐和善良的面具，有谁可以让我放下所有的防备再度真心的爱一个人。人生在世莫过于知己难寻，伟梦难圆。梦想不容易实现可是还是有可能实现，但知己是人那就难了，因为人是善变的。不知道何时会背叛自己。被人背叛的话，伤口是否有再愈合的一天？
在想了那么多后，害怕被伤害的我哪里还会对他人动心嘛。

不过说真的，我有点累了，好想就此不再尝试了解其他人。人在极度累和失望过后会有什么东西可以再度点燃希望？
这些我不懂，我不想去追寻答案也不想多想，可是我好想把面具脱下用真心来面对，可惜我没有胆量。可是好笑的事是我和一位旧网络游戏里的弟弟说了妳给的警告，但他却说如果我真的对那人动了心，或许我就可以学会在没有面具的保护下生活了。可是我的小弟呀，他可知道，那人讨厌别人的欺骗和虚假，如此虚伪的我早就没有希望了。小弟是要我再度的经历七年的绝望，饶了我吧，我老了，没有心思再度体验人类的失望和绝望了。
不过，我还是觉得没有人类的感情，我或许会活得比较好。好想用我身为人类的感情来换取这一世的荣华富贵，高薪与美貌和身材。哈哈

++Friends' Bloggies++ my friendster celine chiou torng daphne fengkuan gordon jaitai joevan johnathan jolene shimian shixuan yaoming yuanting