Wednesday, November 12, 2008
To speak the truth, a lot of times, I was asked to correct my horrible bad habit of interrupting someone in a conversation. I thought I have changed but always after scolding then I realised I never learnt from my mistake and changed at all. The moment I reached home today, I took out my little diary for which things I have written down to change and my bad character record. After reading through, personally I feel that I'm not fit for my job at all. If follow my old habit before primary school, I was acting happy, trying my own best to outshine myself in the things I’m best at and ignoring others' feelings. This in turn hurt others as well as creating distance between me and my friends.
Then after that from the record, I think I’m starting to behave and think of myself as those pathetic soul who had no one that understand them. But come to think of it, that was what I am still, although not total thinking of me as those pathetic souls that got their soul condemned in hell but not far from it.
Today after got scolding from a friend that is willing to help me change, yet I throw my tantrum at him. I’m really sorry for behaving in such a childish and ignorant way but I really don’t know how to tell him I appreciate his help. To speak the truth, I know I wanted to change, but why every time someone willing to tell me of my mistakes, I will feel grouchy.
Am I suitable for this job as a CCPE? From what I know, a lot of CCPE in my batch are leaving this job, yet those staying were involved in a lot of school programmes, function planning and meeting.
Speaking of meeting, I realised, I must really read through the agenda and meeting materials slides before taking minutes for a meeting. LOL, finally I thought I had a chance to show my old course club secretary skill of minutes taking, yet I blunter up. I have over estimate my capabilities. 我觉得我好失败喔。Am I really suitable for this job? Do I really like to help others like those comments those teachers are giving me? I keep making weird mistake which can be prevent if I paid attention, yet I never seems to be able to. I know I had the capabilities to complete all the keying of the data in less than 2 days, yet I can’t bring myself to settle down and stay awake while typing. I keep falling asleep even if I had sleep at 8pm the night before. Yet this could be due to bad health management, or a warning signal telling me that I must slim down and reduce my weight.
I remember I always told my mother my life would be different if she had allowed me to take Higher Chinese when I was in Primary 5 but come to think of it. All my life what have I done to make my life better? All I know since young is to blame others. There are times where the mistakes were mine, yet I denied any connection to it. For that kind of actions, Jaslyn said that are my bad points, so I tried to change, but I think I make some fatal steps, cause instead of moving away from the bad habits I have, I felt that I had ended up with more. Firstly, living a life wearing a mask, pretending to be someone I am not. I’m starting to feel the strain of living under this mask.
Maybe I think I will come clean with some things first. I’m not that ‘guai guai’ type of girl. I did smoke when I was in changkat changi sec. After that to pretend that I’m a good girl, I lied to my parents saying I’m studying late when I’m in Ngee Ann Poly but in effect I was happily playing a fool, wasting my time at lanshop. Don’t know was it heaven or god’s arrangement, I found out I have cement allergy. I have to drop out from my course. Then I went working in gaming company, while waiting to enter Temasek Polytechnic Computer Engineering Course. In TP, I spend my life no different from NP, addicted to online gaming, spending more than half of my free time playing games instead of concentrating on my study. Now I wish to enter the degree of Uni I’m interested in. Yet due to bad results from poly and O level English, it was rejected numerous times. But funny things, my friend with poly’s result worst than mine had entered local uni. Old habit die hard, seeing this, I started thinking of myself as character of the pathetic drama.
After seeing through all these, I started to blame history again. Am I learning anything? Jaslyn once mentioned before that to change my life, I must change my habits, building a wall between myself and others is not a bad things, but showing others’ the fake side of me is bad, and this is the point she wanted me to change. She wants me to show others my true side. The female who is always throwing her temper around, when things don’t goes her ways; she will create havocs to the extent that she had caused a blackout to her house before. This is the female I am. To speak the truth, I realized that these days I do show such side of me quite often, but I’m also indirectly showing the negative side of me, where I don’t heed others words, living only in my own world. Jaslyn did mention I should show such side of mine but I must also change to be an understanding, kind and courteous person. I just don’t know why, when ever going out, it’s now turning out that I must always accommodate to other’s timing, like the few recent outing with her, I’m always waiting for her like an hour or more, and others who I had to wait for them. They will always give commends like they are busy with this and that. This is when I will wonder why it is that when I’m late I must be scolded yet when they are lated, nothing was mentioned and I can’t give a single nag. I understand her meaning that I must be an understanding human but what does that really mean?
Understanding, I really don’t know. I was also told to be a useful and helping human, and try to help in whatever ways possible to make myself useful. Yet I don’t know why, when I tried to help out at my working place I understand there is some who call me a nosey parker but when I was attending meeting or chatting with the company bosses or superiors, they always asked me to try to be helpful in all possible way. I wish to be able to take up the initial step, but I can’t make up a lot of decision all I can do is source for more and more of different kinds of things they can make their choices from and yet when too much choices are given, they will say I’m increasing their work load by giving too many choices saying I should make my own decision. Yet when I give them my final decision, they will ask for more instead. I’m really confused. To speak the truth, I’m not a leader, yet I’m not a follower too as i don't follow much of the commands given. I will only follow if my leaders repeated their commands to me more than once. In my previous year work review, my RO did mention that I should be more confident in making my decision for the teachers and not keep going back to ask them for their points of views, they will not feel confident enough to give me any more important job. Yet when I don’t ask them for their decision and just give the things as instructed from them, they said I’m not respecting their decision.
To speak the truth, in this school, I feel totally out, this school has teachers who are capable, sometime I don’t even felt that they needed my help expect to key in CCA attendance which sometimes I don’t even think they need such help at all. For the past year, what have I been doing? Wasting my time? I don’t know but one thing I’m sure, I had wasted my whole life, wishing to be someone who I will never become. I remembered one of my teachers had mention, as long as we remember how to dream, we can achieve anything. But I had dreamed too much, that I have leaved the reality of life. I think it is time for me to quit dreaming and seek the solution to my problems.
Blogging till this stage, I’m already confused as to what am I trying to say. Was I trying to apologize for being a jerk? Was I trying to voice out my mistakes to the whole world? Was I complaining about my job? What am I trying to say or express? Was I questioning myself about whether I should carry on my life wearing the mask by hiding away under it or should I totally change them? I know I want to apologize to those who are always on the receiving end of my bad habits and bad tantrum. Maybe since I’m always complaining about not receiving the correct treatment since childhood, I shall work hard and invent the real time travel machine and travel back in time and change my life history. Prevent everything from happening the way it was yet making sure, I did invent a time machine in the future. Okie, I’m starting to sound like an idiot.
Since end of the year is coming soon, I shall redefine my life goal and planning. After thinking over so much, I think I’m starting to understand what my xiaodi was trying to tell me that day. Yes, this male friend of mine can maybe change me, allowing me to live under a life without mask, but I also understand those are not meant in romantic way. I think I must learn to appreciate this friend of mine more, weird thing is he maybe younger than me in age, yet I seem to be able to learn a lot from him. I’m really a ‘mountain tortoise’.
Since I’m starting on the New Year resolution and new life goal, my first shall be the same as previous year, slimming down, and second appreciate my surrounding friends and family members, thirdly, to thrive hard to get a chance to go back to study at Uni to get a degree and achieve a merit in degree.