Sunday, November 23, 2008
Why why why.... I so happy after my trip to the Anime Festival Asia held at Suntec, Singapore. Why must you use simple words that destory my whole happy feelings from today. I admit, i really don't like the ideas of the relatives specially your sister and mother visiting. That why i chose today to go to the Anime Fest. Yet when i return, you saw my smiling face, your 1st words was not 'enjoy urself', instead 'so finally u know when it time to return, just now grandma and ahyi was here, and you went out. You know they are coming yet you still don't stay at home to greet them.' Of course i will reply truthfully, i don't like to see them, regardless who they are. yet your reply was if the days of both dad and you die, i will be glad as no one will be willing to acknowledge my presence.
To speak the truth, I will be glad if this day of 'entertaining these group of humans days' will come as soon as possible. I hate putting up a smiling face to them although i know they are here to just show casing their achievement in life. Yes i don't achieve anything, I doing a useless job, tons of useless things, without achiving any single goals in my whole entire life.
I hate entertaining all humans, working i need to put up a mask of smiling, approachable human, at home, i also need to be put up a mask of an understanding daughter, with friends, i need to put up a mask too. All these are worst than living in a place full of strangers. If i could i really wish i can just cast aside all these and go live in Africa, Egypt or anywhere that i can live without a mask. I'm really Sick of all these methods. In this whole world, even my closest longest duration of friend, i had to wear a mask to entertain her. I can never cast my real emotion out. I don't mind living in a world without other human but robots to accompany me, i'm just really tired. A quarter of a century had past from my life, yet i feel like i had been living for millennia.
Was there a day from my past fill with the real happiness that i'm soughting?
I believe no, in my whole life, i live under the mask, to protect my soul and my heart. But with these, they are only able to protect my physical soul yet not my mental soul and heart.