Lol, today went out with shixuan, weien, jolene and him. Actually today was arranged to meet xuan xuan to collect my birthday present haha. hehe So now total i have 3 gifts.
Here is a picture of the gift xuan had given me.
Big head tweety haha.
Cute right.

Lol actually when we were walking around, arrangement had been make to leave jolene and him alone. Lucky never do that, i don't think i will dare to face him if i did it.

After so many visit finally had a chance to eat at the Tian Tian Lai Huo Gou. But sian lar, they don't have pork meat balls...

But i did enjoy as i get to buy some mangas from Kino at Bugis. I wonder what should i do starting from tomorrow? I want to execrise... but super lazy sia... think must find someways to motivate myself haha.

Okie that's all Wednesday I will be back to work. Still got 19 days leave from 2007 and 2008. Maybe next year clear some during chinese new year? Should i save money to go Taiwan next year or not?

Today is the day I was born... that mean I’m getting older too haha Don't know was it too long never celebrate birthday haha cause only does it once a year :X not really celebrate lar, but I enjoyed a good buffet lunch at Shangri La. I asked 3 other friends to join along heart pain sia... cost me $240++ But they seem to enjoy the food, that the most important part. I notice every time my birthdays go out eat... I’m always treating... unless with my parents haha. But that was not always lar haha because so far I only spend my birthday with friends only less than 6 times in my 26th years of life haha, which is like 20% of my birthday haha. Okie actually CT wanted to treat me but my upbringing doesn’t allow it. haha my dad always say on birthday if possible I should be the 1 treating instead cause they are celebrating it with me. lol. Today receive 2 presents, quite a number of birthday wishing and birthday greetings. Hehe, here is the 2 presents I had received.


Nice sweet pink colour wallet pouch right, lol. When I show it to my mom, guess what she say lol, she say it too sweet and pink for me lol but it is a lovely colour, and good taste for the 1 who have chosen it haha.

Nice pair of earring right? When I received it, I never notice got brand although the giver did mention before the price is maybe due to the brand... but once I got it, I was more interested in opening it. The gift box require some skills to open, can't use force lol haha...
So when we leaving the restaurant while waiting for my friend to return from toilet, I took a look at the gifts again then I notice got the earring got brand…

When I notice the brand, I felt a bit guilty to take this present… as this is by far the most expensive present I have ever received from a friend.
I really like this pair of earring a lot.
Thank you all for spending the day with me today. Thank you for tolerating my nonsense and at times when I'm behaving very badly like throwing temper and making sarcastic remarks. Hehe I must start to wonder what to get for them next year when their birthday come.

Today was abit bored, so i went to rewatch the drama, My Date With A Vampire.

I alway like vampire and dracula kind of storyline.

When i was rewatching the drama today, quite a number of thoughts and memory rised. I used to like the storyline cause of the love story and vampire part. But don't know why, today my heart felt a bit painful from watching some part of the drama. To speak the truth, the pain was felt for Ma XiaoLing. Don't know why, now i think she is a poor thing in this first series of the drama. But 1 thing for sure i still dislike Wang Zhenzhen haha. Maybe cause she had the attraction from both the male leading character.

Regardless of how many times i have seen this drama, i still find Ma Xiaoling this character quite weird. To speak the truth, i used to wonder, if i can be like her. Then my mother once reply to this thinking of mine, "you are also similar like her, overspend and not good at crying."
But my mom was wrong about the crying part, cause for me it was not cause i chose not to cry is cause i can't. After the recent crying, this morning i tried crying as my eyes felt super dry and itchy. But no tears come up even after i try apply medical oil near my eyes.
Weird right, i don't know if i should see a doctor regarding this. But i don't want to spend such money.
When watching, i was thinking love between humans are already so hard, why does those immortal wish to get themselves into these kind of deep shit?
Maybe soon, it will my 26th year handing in a blank report card for my love result. I'm really puzzled, i'm always wishing for the impossible.

Anyway back to the drama series, i really like the vampire part only. Now rewatching it, i don't know why, i used to like the love story part but now i find it that part quite stupid. I'm really wonder why there is a such kind of change in my mentality.

Anyway since i clearing leave soon starting from Wednesday to next tuesday, I think I might rewatch My Date with a Vampire 2 and 3 ba. Hehe

Yesterday i joined fengkuan's family BBQ. something funny happen lol, his relatives thought that i was his girlfriend. I nearly laugh my head off when i knew about it.
This is not the first time i was mistaken to be someone girlfriend. I really starting to wonder, was it the way i communicate with other or behave around another person that cause the surrounding people to misunderstand it?
Years ago, i was mistaken to be flirting around my friend's boyfriend, and losing her friendship. Then after that i was mistaken by the guy that i like that i was in love with another of our male friend or was flirting with him...
I think beside changing my character, i must also watch the way i behave...
Is it cause birthday is approaching or is it cause for years my life had been such a failure???
I don't know why... weeks ago i was looking forward to my birthday, then recently i fear for it to approach and facing it alone. Today, i really starting to wonder, how many years do i have infront of me to celebrate this day call birthday, will this be my last? I'm really starting to have a lot of thinkings.

我可否让时间与空间为我而停止？我想是不可能了。今天出去时，遇到了旧邻居，他说了句我认为很可笑的事。他说我的样貌和十多年前一样完全没有改变。可笑吧。如果真是如此，我不是不是人了吗？
生日的逼近，让我的思考很混乱。
nevermind ba, i think i should just leave it like that ba.

Since 2nd dec, i was in school having camp with the school concert band. Although i was supposed to be around, but most of the time I'm in the staff room doing my stuffs. Going through my papers that need to be file accordingly. On the 1st night, after talking to 1 student, then i took a shower and went back to staff room. Being alone in the room doing my packing, I'm starting to wonder. Actually i have been doing alot of thinkings lately but the most thoughtful night will be last saturday. I did the worst kind of thing, crying in front of others(the worst kind of behaviour, that a female can display).
To speak the truth, i always regard crying a weakness which cause some confusion in me and specially crying in front of other. Maybe since young the way i was bought up, whenever i got caning from my mom and i cried, she will reply with words like, "okie, so now you are using your tears to make me felt guilty or are you trying to win sympathy from your dad?"These words make me understand that i must not cry as that will be treated as either a weakness or those 卑鄙手段acted out to gain sympathy. Actually i saw in quite a number of movies and real life action that when ever another human cry, the opp party will give in, which i thought to myself that i should never do that ever in front of others. But in times when i really need to cry, i find it hard to bring tears to my eyes also that why I'm always envious of friends that can cry at any feelings. Although i will shed a tear or two when watching sad movies. But i just can't cry when my feelings are down to the rock bottom, for example will be the day when my grandfather passed away in 2006. Everyone was crying, i was sad too, but tears just don't come up (guess what I only cried after his death for about 2 months later when i go collect my diploma and i visited him at the Columbarium, i went there to report to him and show him my cert). Yet on last saturday, when i was throwing my tantrum and have to cause someone to shout at me to realise my mistakes, an unspoken fear captured me. For no reasons, just a subconscious feeling overtake my mental control and my tear gland start to malfunction. But to speak the truth, till now I'm still trying to figure out wat caused the fear and what is that fear? Cause in the wee hours on sunday, i message jas to indirectly thank her for being my friend for over 13years. Her explaination to why i cried could be due to something others than what i thought it was. When we were joking, i realised those close friends i have all with the same horscope as mine has yet to get pass the thirteen months (Praying hard that this cycle will break specially in this friendship i'm having now). Jas say that was cause we are having too many similarities in characters, and i love to find those similiarities type of people to be my friend. I really starting to wonder after my conversation with her online. As i'm always bad at thinkings, and it cause abit of problems at work, on Wednesday when my 'neighbour' come back to collect her stuffs. she saw my 'thinker' look. she thought i'm too tired from the camp or was i not feeling well, cause there some kind of dark auro surrounding me. LoL i really wonder what she meant by the dark auro, but i manage to lie my way through, saying that the face of someone being confine in a small school for more than 10hours, and i need to move around kind. i think she took in my answer, cause she reply, 'no wonder, when u are out with us in KL last year, on the bus u will look sleepy or really is sleeping but once out of the bus, your engry level machiam like hyper level. haha'
I really quite shock with that reply of hers. I think i will miss her a lot as she is leaving this school soon.
Back to Tuesday, around midnight when i was packing and doing abit of msning, i messaged andy, hoping to get some advice from his point of view as a guy. When he never reply i guessed, he was busy with the phone call he trying to answer. But at 1am, i was quite shock that he called me, that was the first time he had called me, specially considering the point that this pal of mine is staying in KL while i was staying in SG. It was really sweet of him to call, cause at the point of time, alot of negative thoughts were running through my mind. When i was walking around the school at 12am plus before going back to staffroom, i went up to the fourth floor of block A, looking down at the expressway, to speak the truth, i don't know why but at that moment, i think i hear someone calling out my name but at that time, all the students were in the hall sleeping and the other 2 teachers were already asleep too. After hearing that voice, that fear 'attack' me again, but this time i never cried but deep thoughts and old memories keep coming back like a flash back of my life. Thinking that it is quite late, i decided to go back to the staff room. Back in staff room, i contiune with my packing and msning that when i decide to message andy cause we had not 'talk' for quite sometime. Andy, if there is any chances where you get to saw this article of mine, thank you for calling me. Cause of your call, i have managed to seal up that fear again. Although that fear is now sealed up, but i know deep down that fear had been set free before, it will once again attack me when i don't pay any attention to it.

Anyway, i enjoy myself in this camp, at least i'm able to clear half my table haha. Maybe during councilor camp, i shall stay back too to clear up the reminding part of the table. Oh ya, i notice that at night, where there is no clouds, looking up at the night sky can bring back a lot of memories. But don't know why, all the memories are those days of my npcc camp days and the sec 2 camp i had attended during my secondary school days. Maybe cause it's been years that i can sit under the night sky without much thoughts in mind. Since i'm clearing my leave next week, i think i shall check out the weather forcast for next friday or saturday then fix a tent at east coast or pasir ris to relax or if i dare go back to the old ATC campsite beach to relax?

Last time i was so used to doing things alone, and could always find ways to entertain myself alone, but why these days, i'm afraid to spend the day or even eating dinner alone? Since sec 1, it had always been mummy spending my birthday with me, but why is it that this year i trying super hard to wish that i'm not to spend my birthday alone or with my mum only? Can i get used to my life like before i join this school or maybe like the beginning of 2007? I starting to see signs that i need to get back to that kind of life, am i worrying too much? I am the only child in my family, and at the stage i'm wasting my life, I might be spending the reminding life in solitary. I was taught not to depend on others, but yet now i'm wishing for human to remember and spend my birthday with me. Is true that crying can weaken a human to such extend or have my mentality changed? These few days, i keep wishing that i can be continue my life in wearing the mask of fake happiness. But i understand, that my parents don't wish to see me living in a life as a faker. But they must understand, the past few years i had been trying hard to change my real personality to the extend that the only character i had leave is my bad temper and arrogant. Looking back at old photos, my smile is getting more and more fake. only my face is smiling but not my soul. However recently in an event, on that day, the photos i had taken all show signs of laughter from my soul. But i'm so scare cause signs are telling me that they are going to be gone soon. Can i change myself in time to prevent these happiness from slipping out of my hands or should i just let it goes like it used to be.
I think I'm having too much of thinking running in my brain now. that i can't even understand what i want or talking about already. Haiz, think i should go take a cold shower and sleep le.

++Friends' Bloggies++ my friendster celine chiou torng daphne fengkuan gordon jaitai joevan johnathan jolene shimian shixuan yaoming yuanting