Thursday, December 04, 2008
Since 2nd dec, i was in school having camp with the school concert band. Although i was supposed to be around, but most of the time I'm in the staff room doing my stuffs. Going through my papers that need to be file accordingly. On the 1st night, after talking to 1 student, then i took a shower and went back to staff room. Being alone in the room doing my packing, I'm starting to wonder. Actually i have been doing alot of thinkings lately but the most thoughtful night will be last saturday. I did the worst kind of thing, crying in front of others(the worst kind of behaviour, that a female can display).
To speak the truth, i always regard crying a weakness which cause some confusion in me and specially crying in front of other. Maybe since young the way i was bought up, whenever i got caning from my mom and i cried, she will reply with words like, "okie, so now you are using your tears to make me felt guilty or are you trying to win sympathy from your dad?"These words make me understand that i must not cry as that will be treated as either a weakness or those 卑鄙手段acted out to gain sympathy. Actually i saw in quite a number of movies and real life action that when ever another human cry, the opp party will give in, which i thought to myself that i should never do that ever in front of others. But in times when i really need to cry, i find it hard to bring tears to my eyes also that why I'm always envious of friends that can cry at any feelings. Although i will shed a tear or two when watching sad movies. But i just can't cry when my feelings are down to the rock bottom, for example will be the day when my grandfather passed away in 2006. Everyone was crying, i was sad too, but tears just don't come up (guess what I only cried after his death for about 2 months later when i go collect my diploma and i visited him at the Columbarium, i went there to report to him and show him my cert). Yet on last saturday, when i was throwing my tantrum and have to cause someone to shout at me to realise my mistakes, an unspoken fear captured me. For no reasons, just a subconscious feeling overtake my mental control and my tear gland start to malfunction. But to speak the truth, till now I'm still trying to figure out wat caused the fear and what is that fear? Cause in the wee hours on sunday, i message jas to indirectly thank her for being my friend for over 13years. Her explaination to why i cried could be due to something others than what i thought it was. When we were joking, i realised those close friends i have all with the same horscope as mine has yet to get pass the thirteen months (Praying hard that this cycle will break specially in this friendship i'm having now). Jas say that was cause we are having too many similarities in characters, and i love to find those similiarities type of people to be my friend. I really starting to wonder after my conversation with her online. As i'm always bad at thinkings, and it cause abit of problems at work, on Wednesday when my 'neighbour' come back to collect her stuffs. she saw my 'thinker' look. she thought i'm too tired from the camp or was i not feeling well, cause there some kind of dark auro surrounding me. LoL i really wonder what she meant by the dark auro, but i manage to lie my way through, saying that the face of someone being confine in a small school for more than 10hours, and i need to move around kind. i think she took in my answer, cause she reply, 'no wonder, when u are out with us in KL last year, on the bus u will look sleepy or really is sleeping but once out of the bus, your engry level machiam like hyper level. haha'
I really quite shock with that reply of hers. I think i will miss her a lot as she is leaving this school soon.
Back to Tuesday, around midnight when i was packing and doing abit of msning, i messaged andy, hoping to get some advice from his point of view as a guy. When he never reply i guessed, he was busy with the phone call he trying to answer. But at 1am, i was quite shock that he called me, that was the first time he had called me, specially considering the point that this pal of mine is staying in KL while i was staying in SG. It was really sweet of him to call, cause at the point of time, alot of negative thoughts were running through my mind. When i was walking around the school at 12am plus before going back to staffroom, i went up to the fourth floor of block A, looking down at the expressway, to speak the truth, i don't know why but at that moment, i think i hear someone calling out my name but at that time, all the students were in the hall sleeping and the other 2 teachers were already asleep too. After hearing that voice, that fear 'attack' me again, but this time i never cried but deep thoughts and old memories keep coming back like a flash back of my life. Thinking that it is quite late, i decided to go back to the staff room. Back in staff room, i contiune with my packing and msning that when i decide to message andy cause we had not 'talk' for quite sometime. Andy, if there is any chances where you get to saw this article of mine, thank you for calling me. Cause of your call, i have managed to seal up that fear again. Although that fear is now sealed up, but i know deep down that fear had been set free before, it will once again attack me when i don't pay any attention to it.
Anyway, i enjoy myself in this camp, at least i'm able to clear half my table haha. Maybe during councilor camp, i shall stay back too to clear up the reminding part of the table. Oh ya, i notice that at night, where there is no clouds, looking up at the night sky can bring back a lot of memories. But don't know why, all the memories are those days of my npcc camp days and the sec 2 camp i had attended during my secondary school days. Maybe cause it's been years that i can sit under the night sky without much thoughts in mind. Since i'm clearing my leave next week, i think i shall check out the weather forcast for next friday or saturday then fix a tent at east coast or pasir ris to relax or if i dare go back to the old ATC campsite beach to relax?
Last time i was so used to doing things alone, and could always find ways to entertain myself alone, but why these days, i'm afraid to spend the day or even eating dinner alone? Since sec 1, it had always been mummy spending my birthday with me, but why is it that this year i trying super hard to wish that i'm not to spend my birthday alone or with my mum only? Can i get used to my life like before i join this school or maybe like the beginning of 2007? I starting to see signs that i need to get back to that kind of life, am i worrying too much? I am the only child in my family, and at the stage i'm wasting my life, I might be spending the reminding life in solitary. I was taught not to depend on others, but yet now i'm wishing for human to remember and spend my birthday with me. Is true that crying can weaken a human to such extend or have my mentality changed? These few days, i keep wishing that i can be continue my life in wearing the mask of fake happiness. But i understand, that my parents don't wish to see me living in a life as a faker. But they must understand, the past few years i had been trying hard to change my real personality to the extend that the only character i had leave is my bad temper and arrogant. Looking back at old photos, my smile is getting more and more fake. only my face is smiling but not my soul. However recently in an event, on that day, the photos i had taken all show signs of laughter from my soul. But i'm so scare cause signs are telling me that they are going to be gone soon. Can i change myself in time to prevent these happiness from slipping out of my hands or should i just let it goes like it used to be.
I think I'm having too much of thinking running in my brain now. that i can't even understand what i want or talking about already. Haiz, think i should go take a cold shower and sleep le.