Monday, March 30, 2009
Did not work on thursday and friday, as i was clearing my time-off hours. Nothing interesting happen. On thursday went to help out in Family Life centre gala dinner. Haiz, can't really help much. I understand that for these volunteering groups, they need a lot of money to run, but i notice that on the gala dinner that day, fund raising was not easy at all in such event. So much efforts put in, yet so little returns recieved.
Friday, went back to school for 30minutes to clear something and xiao jiu jiu come to school to fetch me, spend the whole afternoon with grandmother. I think maybe age catch up with her, alot of things she asked was repeated questions, but i still try my best to answer her again and again. I don't know why, i felt sad when i keep repeating the same answer. I don't know was it cause it is this time of the year or other factors. Fears of losing her, make me wanted to spend more time with her. Although i was not able to drive her around that much, yet i felt that i want to bring her out and enjoy different aspect of lifes. But 1 thing i know for sure is, even with transportation provided, my auntie will forbid me for bringing her out. although i'm not sure of the reason why. haiz... maybe till now i have not shown my responsible side to them or i was never ever be responsible for anything at all?
Things happens and past, it make me starting to wonder about a chinese saying, 前世的500次回望，才换来今生的一次擦肩而过。那我和我的家人与朋友到底要经历几世的轮回相遇于相望，才成就了如今的亲情与友情？
I wonder, so many things have happen in my short 26 years of life, going 27 at the end of the year. What have differents have i make in my life and others' lifes? The only things i can remember is how much i have hurt others directly, indirectly, with intention or without intentions. The rest, nothing. I never thought much before taking actions or saying things. In the end a lot of innocents souls and people was hurt by my actions and words. Did i regret what i did or say? I did for some, but for most of it, i did not. Reason? Cause I did not even know i did that, and being an arrogant fool, i also don't really bother to find it out. Now come to think of it, could that be the reason why in this short life span of mine, i have so many short-span friends?酒肉朋友何其多，红颜知己何其少。果然如古人所言知己亦难求。
think i will just stop here with my craze thoughts and hit my bed with my snooze.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Was abit blur and busy the past few weeks. Trying to forget about valentine, so bang my head into the thing call work.
Actually the past 6 weeks, initially was busy with nothing just plain working daily. Then with the usual, valentine come, i spend the V-day with my secondary friend, Jas. I was actually looking forward to maybe ask the guy i like out. But in the end, i gave up that idea and be more realistic. Cause I understand something during the chinese new year visiting, that if i want to date, i must look for guy that can consider marriage as a dating option or outcome? But i did enjoy myself with my little 'gan' nieces on the V-Day.
After V-Day was rushing for other stuffs like school health promotion board screening, then unfortunately, my desktop monitor in working place broke down. But for god-known what reason, when the repairman came down, it start working like normal again (*%*$*^*$#*#$%*$#) stupid monitor.
In between that was the school sports day, on a Saturday.... wat a day, raining again as usual... and because of the stupid Sun Shine, my fair skin tone now is dark like 'chao tar' skin tone.
Enjoy myself quite well beside the sun shine that make me melts numerous times...
Now busy myself with SYF, termly report involvement, attendance and stuffs again, but deep in my brain i was thinking should i change my job? The job's cycle is starting to become abit mundane. But most important is my pay is so like low... like peanut. Imagine on my job title, it is Senior CCP Executive... yet my pay worst then a junior executive...
But some other factor make me 'san xing liang yi' cause if i change my job, our common factor will be gone. With the common factor gone, will we still have any connection? Jas used to say that whenever i want to change a job or something is cause i'm tired of returning to the same routine of my life. To follow this character of mine, i will lost the connection between us, but to keep to this connection, I'm starting to lose interestes and zest in my job. The more i continue with this work, the more my personality surfacing without my acknowledge.
Oh ya on 22nd March was grandfather 3rd death annivesary. Times really flies. When he was around, i don't treasured the times we have together, when he passed on. I started to miss the times when he make tapioca cakes and ask me to go and collect from him or ask me to eat in front of him telling him how nice and delicious it was. These days don't know why i keep missing my grandfather alot. But times have changes, he is no longer around with us. There are times when i wish that i can spend more times with him.
The month of march maybe full of many emotions and it seems to be mostly negative but on the 14th March, i attended my cousin, yong meng's wedding. He is the same age as me, and at the wedding, i found out that another cousin of mine same age with me is considering getting married at the end of this year too. This made my 'gugu's all turn their attention to me. They kept saying want to be 'mei po' but the thing is no matter how good a guy stand in front of me, or maybe propose to me but if that guy is not the guy i like i won't agree to it at all. Why can't they understand something as simple as that?
But that bring me back to 1 simple fact, the guy i like will never fallen in love with me. In my 26 years of life, i have fallen for a 12 male, including the present guy that i like. All the outcomes are so visible before i took any action. But to speak the truth among these 12 guys, only junxiong and the present guy can make me do many stupid things for them. I really wonder is the other 10 guys just a simple mistaken of crash as liking?
Should I concentrate on building my career? Since i know i won't have the kind of love i longing for....
Pluzzed by all sort of feelings again. Felt betray, being used as a spy tool, a money tree(?), childish, arrogant and most important confusion. With all these feelings and thinking raging through me, can i manage to maintain my sense? Will i broke down and cried? How i wish i can do that but since last year of an incident, i can't cry again. It seems like my tear ducts are really broken. It keep malfunctioning, crying at a situation where i should not and now when i felt so emtionally tired, yet i can't bring a single tear to my eye.
Think i will just stop my blogging here. I will try to update as often as i can.