Tuesday, November 09, 2010
It's months since i last posted in my blog. Looking back at all these months, I think my conditions had not improved at all. I'm still hurting my so-call friends, but am I treating them like a real friend or just only on a technical term that I was doing it. What can be define as friends? Those who share your sorrows, your pains, your happiness or loneliness?
I'm always feeling lonely. Like recently when I'm out with a friend at the closest shopping mall, I felt 'tune-out' or out of the world. What make the situation worst is that, I will irritate the friend with me at the moment. But I can't tell him that I just don't like the feelings of being around other humans. As that will sound weird, like I'm a psycho or a person who think too highly of their own. However when I did not mention the reason of why, I don't feel like going out to place where there are many humans, it ended up making him angry.
Although every year, specially near to my birthday, my tolerance to stay among other humans will drop to the bare minimum standard since I can recall. But these past three years, the limits were approaching me at a much higher speed. By normal standard, the limit will exceed around 2 to 7 days before my birthday. But these few years, the limit had reach around a month or so, and this year it getting worst. Since the beginning of October, the irritation had started. I will get super uncomfortable around others. But due to my job, I had to fake my interaction with other humans. Smile happily, acknowledging the presence of the students, the vendors at the canteens, the other 'iron-bowled' workers and even the other fellow workers at HQ, all these fake actions are killing me faster than I know or worst, the feeling of murdering them and wipe their existence off from the surface of the Earth.
When I told my mother, she just mention, due to the fact that I'm a only child, that why I can't interact with others which cause this irritation. This may explain the part on the irritation among other humans, but it can't explain why I'm alway wearing a mask when I'm with others. Even on the net, those online friends that I had make, it was just another face mask that I'm wearing. The changes in me was so great that I was consider a fraud. I lost a friend, when she saw me at work and when she interacting with me online, although this was not told to me directly from her. However our common friend mention that my characters either online, in real face-to-face encounter or other form of interaction with me are all fake and unreal. 7 years had passed and recently this friend of mine had gotten married, but I was not invited and truth be told, I was a bit hurt. As I though although we might have stop seeing each other in real life, but we still talk on msn regularly. When I was young, I was told that a friend will definitely invite his or her friends to their own weddings. So when I hear of their wedding, I thought I need to think of a good wedding gift but ended up I was not invited and those circle of friends did not knew that and even ask me what I'm getting for them. It was not like I don't know her husband, to speak the truth, I was closer to her husband before I know her, and we become a much closer friends with more common interests and I sort of helped her husband to court her. But after she so-call realize my different expression in life. I was outcast by both of them and the circle of friends that were build around them also start to distance themselves from me.
Maybe I'm really bad at being a human, can it be even consider an impairs or handicap? But in numerous case study that I read, most of these cases the affected parties are quite intellectual which is totally wrong for me.
Maybe with the shortening of this condition, it just a sign telling me that either my end is near or be prepare for the solitary life that is foreboding.
“孤独”是永恒的存在。
只知道孤独是可以生存。
可是在知道朋友的定义。
“孤独”就有了一个朋友叫“寂寞”。
当两者结伴在一起，永恒就是成为了一种灭亡。
我知道朋友的定义，所以也知道了寂寞的含义。
可是我还是放不下保护着我的虚伪的面具。
如果不摘下面具，就无法找到真心的朋友是真的吗？
那为何丽美可以在不摘下我的面具下知道我的真心，而成为我的好友?
还是说，我在她的面前时，是毫无掩饰的？
I'm really tired of trying to remove my masks, yet I can't stop myself from wearing one. Why can't the others treats those masks as part of me and quit questioning me on which is the real me or saying that I'm contradicting my own words. Cause to speak the truth, there are really times when I'm wondering if I'm having split personalities but I'm know it is not.
或许你以为我不在意
可是我还是会的
请不要再逼我改了，因为我再如何的改，那也是一个为了你而戴上的面具。